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Martha Stewart started it. Or maybe it was patriarchy. I don’t know but bottom line is, I do not meet Martha’s or a good old fashioned patriarchal’s society’s standards of a clean home. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t live in filth.

We live in dog hair.

And dirt.

And dust.

We have a Golden Retriever and his name is Toby and he is beautiful. He is the gentlest dog you’ll ever meet and he’s the best boy ever.  But he sheds like a mofo. We (I) sweep, vacuum, lint roll, and basically do hair patrol on a pretty much daily basis. But I can do the whole main floor of our home and think I’ve got every last trace (not to mention the hair from the smaller asshole dog, or the two cats) and nicely get all the hair combat tools put away and walk back into the living room to bask in the glory of my hair free residence. It’s like after you get  a wax….kind of.

Anyway, I will no sooner sit down on my spot on the couch (just call me Sheldon) and a hair ball made of the softest golden fur will gently waft across the floor.

M#therf%cker.

So there’s that. Then there is the fact that this home has no less than four bathrooms and I share this home with three males. You do the math.

And a teenage girl. More hair.

We are not tidy. I can generally manage to keep the main floor of this home in decent shape though. If you don’t mind a little hair or the fact that the floors generally also have a fine film of dirt from said pets coming in and out of our backyard 17 times a day. Don’t you have grass?

Yes.

I have patches of it. The patches that haven’t been worn away by the paddling pool a few years ago, the space the boys use for home plate, and the other space worn down by the basketball net. I’m fighting an uphill battle here people.

It takes me no less than a solid 72 hours to have all three floors of this home actually clean. Meaning no doors need to be closed to fake the appearance of a clean room. Meaning everything is put away. Everything is dusted, vacuumed, washed, and c-l-e-a-n. It takes me 72 hours, very few meals (because once I start I can’t stop) and music. Loud music. It’s the only way I can effectively clean.

Do I have 72 uninterrupted hours every week to clean? No I do not.

Hire a house keeper! Well wouldn’t that be lovely but anyone who knows me knows I budget things within an inch of their life and a housekeeper does not fit into that budget and what would people think and how much would I have to clean before she even got here to not be embarrassed and …..I have a million excuses. And for the record I in no way judge those who have a house cleaner. I applaud you. The time I spent this morning scrubbing a bathroom could have been used in a million different and better ways.

For the time being though, I will do what I can to get by and keep infection control away from the home.

If you come over, just remember I told you so and if I had advance warning and don’t know you that well yet? Also know I probably spent, at minimum, three hours cleaning before you could come over and I’ll still fear that you’ll know it’s a sham just by looking at our couch…

2008. Revamp our living room. At that time we had children ages 1-14. So we decided to purchase a “mushroom” colour couch. So like off white . WTF??!! Why didn’t someone stop me? It now resembles something one could grow mushrooms in.

But hey, come on over. Just let me know a day or two in advance…or bring a copy of this post with you as entry if you come on short notice and I just might let you in.

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