Not a very lady like title is it? Well I’m not feeling very lady like. Actually, generally speaking ‘lady like’ is not a term I identify with and I don’t know that I’ve ever been or ever will be described as such.

I digress.

Why the vehemence? The vulgarity? The foul language?

I’m hungry.

I’m hungry right now because it’s the end of the day and nearing dinner and as we all know I’m on a journey to become the best version of myself that I can be (if you just threw up in your mouth a little it’s okay, I would too but my stomach has zero contents).

I have been largely positive about this experience because it has done largely positive things for me. Only positive things to be honest.

However, I miss junk food. I miss carbs. I still eat carbs but they are of the “sprouted” or “whole grain” kind. They are not of the deep fried, refined variety that I hold dear and cherish with every beat of my heart.

I love candy. I love it. No two ways about it. I have my kids, my spouse, and the sugar. We’re soulmates. Except sugar is the kind of soul mate that is going to give me Type 2 Diabetes and I’m not down with that.

I’m a smart girl. I know that eating clean and exercising are good for me. Very good for me. They ensure, hopefully, that I will keep my independence for as long as I may live. I have had experience with what poor health can mean for individuals and I’m not interested in that.

Yet knowing what’s good for me and liking what’s good for me are two very different things. I started out my day with a cardio workout. These thoughts crossed my mind: “How long will I have to do this?” (as in not the length of the work out but how long in life will I have to exercise for); “This does not feel good”; “I would like to stop”, “I hate everything.” I didn’t stop. I felt good about myself when I was done but did not enjoy that particular work out. Some days I love working out and somedays I don’t…today was a big “don’t”.

I weighed myself this morning and the evidence of my recent culinary indiscretions are apparent. That made me angry. And when I experience any emotion, whatsoever, it seems reasonable that I would treat it with food. Except I shan’t.

I am going to a fitness event of sorts this weekend and want to look my best. Like the three tiny diamonds I am travelling with to the event. So I am sticking to my meal plan hard and fast and feeling good about it. For about 20 minutes. Then the next twenty minutes my thought is? “F&ck it, I’m going to eat what I want, stop exercising, and buy flattering clothing.” Then I go back the other way again. I have been riding this terrible mind game train for some time. Some days I don’t even stop at “F#ck it.” I sail right on by. Other days I go back there so many times they are ready to alert the authorities.

Point being? I struggle with this. It is not easy. I am someone who starts strong but isn’t always very consistent with the follow through. I’m a sugar addict with a penchant for TV. I’m just a small town girl living in a lonely world….wait, no…

This is not the hardest thing I have ever had to do by far. This is one of the best things I’ve done for myself in a long time. I’m reasonable, educated, and rational, and then sometimes, I’m not.

F$ck it.

*I wrote this yesterday but due to a busy evening did not get it posted. So today, feeling a little less this way. See, I’m on a veritable roller coaster!


One thought on “F&ck It.

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