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So not only do I have the gall to ovulate and so forth but I also have a moustache.

About half an hour ago, post workout, I whipped upstairs to change (shower yet to come) but also took the time to remove the hair from my upper lip. This requires plastering two little pieces of something covered in wax to my face and then ripping them off and swearing profusely.

Really, all females should be sat down at the age of 10 or 11 and just given a whole low down of what the expected upkeep is going to be and maybe given some encouragement to embrace themselves as is or to move to a city, country, or continent that isn’t focused on women as hairless beings.

Legs, underarms, eyebrows, upper lip, bikini town…it all must be addressed. I guess it doesn’t HAVE to be but for many of us, if we want to wear a swimsuit or sleeveless top, skirt, or whatever and not be mistaken for Big Foot, it is a necessity. I’m a hairy gal. If I don’t take care of my moustache people start addressing me as Magnum and expect me to find out who is stealing their garden gnomes.

Shaving my legs is another hated chore and please don’t suggest I get those waxed or sugared or threaded or whatever else. My hair grows so quickly I may as well save the money and pain and make my every other day (daily in the summer if it’s nice out) appointment with Lady Bic to address the tiny boreal forest growing on my legs.

Waxing. Sugaring. Threading. Lasering. Neet. The options are endless and costly when it comes to hair removal. Men just walk around getting the same hair cut every six weeks that they maybe pay $30 for tops, showing off their hairy legs, and some of them, looking pretty sexy with a little 5 o’clock shadow. It’s a real injustice.

My daughter helpfully pointed out last weekend that my moustache was “aggressive”. She was right but I am getting some pictures done tomorrow so wanted to wait until right before to wax it (see above re: rapid hair growth).

Don’t even get me started on bikini waxing, etc etc etc. Again, to be seen in a swimsuit, or indeed confirm I am still a female, maintenance in this area is necessary as well. It’s my least favourite, obviously. As much as ripping hair out of my face isn’t my idea of a good time, doing that sort of thing downtown is even less appealing…and labour intensive. Our options, as ladies, is to either go to an esthetician, meaning we must be comfortable bearing our bits to a complete stranger, or do it ourselves, meaning we must be comfortable with contortionism and self-inflicting pain. Either way it’s a win and a real treat.

So to all the men out there, if any of you made it past the first paragraph, please appreciate the efforts your lady makes in these areas. Those perfectly groomed eyebrows, hairless upper lip, and smooth legs did not come without a cost, often both monetary and comfort-wise. So bow down and appreciate that shit and maybe get the lady a glass of wine and worship her for the queen she is! Alternately, if your lady is also caring for your offspring, working, running your home, or just generally living life and her legs are not so smooth? Her lip not so hairless? Her lady garden a little overgrown?  Bow down and appreciate that shit and get the lady a glass of wine and worship her for the queen that she is! You have no doubt gone longer than you should have without shaving, you have farted in her presence and probably on her, you spit, you belch, and yet? She’s still there, so for the love of God, get her a glass of wine already and let her know how much you admire that natural look!

p.s. Magnum says hi.

 

Magnum PI

 

 

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