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I have explained our family configuration a lot of times. It happens almost every time I meet someone new and they ask me how many kids I have. Most of the time these people have only ever seen me with our two youngest. I explain I have two older children and when they hear how much older we go through the “you don’t look old enough” spiel. Which I know is meant to be a compliment and I’ve learned to say thank you and then if they really keep hammering the point home add on a “I was a young mom”. That usually ends the conversation. Sometimes awkwardly as when I said that they added “I would have only put you in your late 30s though.” Yep, that’s right, I’m 39…this led to a confused expression and nervous laughter as the person in question started doing some quick math.

That’s not the point of this post though…no need for another teen mom rant today!

Instead I want to talk about how much I miss those babies that I had when I was a teenager myself.

They grew up really fast. I would like one more day with them as little people because there are things I would do differently and tell them and I just want to hold them and soak up that “littleness” for one more day. I want to squish Steven, watch him groove his little butt off to some Ray Charles, and tell him he’s going to grow into a stronger man than I ever imagined and that he just has to know it will be okay.

I want to sit with Justine and just breathe her in and listen to her. I wish I would’ve have just watched her more. She was such a mystery to me as a little girl. So self-contained, so independent…I can’t even explain it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I was and still am often in awe of her. I would tell her that she is going to be this fierce amazing woman and to trust in that.

I want to go back to a day where it was just the three of us and we sang our hearts out in our little townhouse. I want to watch Harry Potter with them again for the first time.

I know I can’t have that, so you know what I want instead? I want them to be happy. I want them to still know that they are the most amazing, intelligent, funny, capable, and kickass human beings. I want them to forget every doubt they’ve ever had about themselves and trust their guts and know they are loved beyond measure. Loved so much it still makes my heart go into my throat and one of my favorite memories from this summer was listening to the 2 of them talk in the morning before I came upstairs. They are my first babies, the ones I had when I thought I knew everything and knew nothing at all.

Also, selfishly, I want to see them more. I want to be able to see them whenever I want. I want to watch movies with them and go to concerts, and now that they are old enough, go for a drink and just talk. That being said, I am not prepared to be the mother who clips anyone’s wings.

I just miss them.

I have two amazing boys still at home who are two more of the best human beings ever. I feel the best though when I have all of them together – and dressed in matching outfits. Actually, Steven? Justine? If you are reading this, know that’d be a real nice surprise for momma if you organized a get together where you all wore matching clothes and let me take as many pictures as I want. I don’t ask for much…

I always knew as a child that I would be a mom. I liked babies a lot. I just had no idea that having babies means loving someone so much it hurts – but a good hurt. I didn’t know that it meant you’d want to protect them from hurting, at all, ever. I didn’t know that it would help me understand my mother more (although for the love of God someone stop me if I start collecting cats like it’s my job…(Mom, I’m kidding) pssst. No, I’m not, stop me, please). I didn’t know it was going to be the best but hardest job I’ll ever have.

What I know now? Is that I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

 

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