Well, here we are exactly 2 months to the day that I will officially turn 40! What do I have to report one month in on my journey to the Road to 40? Well as of Saturday I am down 8 lbs! That’s pretty exciting!
I am noticing it too – like no longer do I have (and I’m stealing this from Amy Schumer) an “at risk” chin. After Christmas I was noticing that I was having to be a little more careful with camera angles lest Christmas goodies be seen peering out from a comfy squishy little spot right under my chin. Also, my pants do not feel like medieval torture devices! No longer am I sitting and tugging uncomfortably at the waist band all day and wishing I had one of those standing work stations or was allowed to wear sweats (or a flowy caftan) to work.
I am an “Apple” meaning any extra weight on my body sits on my mid-section. Belly, back, and then a fairly even distribution elsewhere (hence the chin business). It’s good and it’s bad – if I dress just right I can hide some of that bulge. It’s bad health-wise. It’s also bad in that the majority of women’s clothing is designed to flatter/disguise a curvier bum and hips so on more times than I care to count, while shopping I will grab a pair of pants that fit me in the waist only to find it appears I am wearing hip waders because that’s where they flare out (extra material that I am not filling out with my ass but instead need in my abdomen). It’s supes sexy.
Enough of that talk though because a mere 20 days into getting back on track things are looking up!
Does that mean it’s easy? No. Case in point, my husband was taking our youngest son and his friend to the store to get treats for their sleepover Saturday night and he asked me, considerately, if I wanted anything. To which I barked back: “No!” I barked because absolutely I wanted something. I wanted all of the things! I wanted five cent (which are now 10 cents – this happened before Trump was in office but I still think it’s probably his fault) candies. I wanted chocolate. I wanted Nibs. I would probably even have eaten chips (never my first choice). Instead I said no and drank tea and felt slightly pissed off for about an hour.
This is what plays out in my head:
Sugar Junkie Angela: “Is this really worth it? What fun is life if you can’t have treats?”
Rational Angela: “You are doing really good. Don’t cave now because you’ll just regret it!”
SJA: “I don’t care. I am tired of not being able to eat what I want (forgetting that’s what I did for the entire month of December with wild abandon and felt like shit and developed the at-risk chin and began a nasty rivalry with pants.)!”
RA: “Don’t do it. You have to win (competition I’m in with much a younger and equally as competitive MALE)! You can’t let him beat you!”
I have a conversation of this nature with myself at least 3 to 4 times a week, if not more. The struggle is real people!
Also, can I just say, in light of our amazing home town girl, Sierra Bearchell, doing an amazing job of showing the world what a positive body image means, entails, and signifies, that I am in no way disputing that self acceptance is number 1!
I am proud of what my body can do and how strong I am. I can look in the mirror and appreciate what I see. I am NEVER going to starve myself or spend hours working out trying to get the “perfect” body. Right now some of my workouts are 47 minutes long and that seems excessive – I love nothing more than a 30 minute workout! I just have some goals and I reached them once before and want to get back to that. I felt very good about myself then. I enjoyed clothes shopping – which is huge. My husband can attest to what happens otherwise – I have been known to ruin an entire day after trying on clothes and not finding anything flattering or that fits. I didn’t hate putting on a bathing suit. I didn’t hate my body. I don’t hate it now but I also don’t love it and I know what it can be and that’s what I’m aiming for.
Some people’s perfect body may be a size 0 and for some it may be a size 22. Size truly doesn’t matter. If you are comfortable in your skin, there is nothing left to do but enjoy that and celebrate the sexy beast you are! This is precisely what I plan on doing – when I get there.
Also I’m not so naïve to think that hitting my goal weight will make my life and all my worries disappear. I’ll still have the same life. I’ll still be me. The other part in this whole journey is improving mindset. Working on seeing the positive more than the negative. Being grateful for what I have and not comparing myself to everyone else and envying their every holiday, home, and (what I maybe foolishly assume is) their charmed life.
Lose 20 lbs or not (though, bet your ass, I will) I am still healthy. I have a good husband who I not only love but also like, who makes me laugh, and truly just wants me to be happy. I have four awesome kids who make me proud every day. I have a roof over my head, food, a vehicle, a job, and I’m Canadian. Now more than ever am I appreciating that last bit – I will not be persecuted for being female and I will also add I am the child of an immigrant and had he not been allowed into this country I would not exist and that would obviously suck. I am free in so many ways and for that, I should be and am nothing but grateful – at risk chin or not.
I am toying with some ideas about this Road to 40 and what it actually means and what I want this entire year to mean – I’ve decided it’s definitely more than a certain weight or pant size. I’ll keep you posted (because obviously I’ve kept everything so under wraps until now …)! Until then, I shall fight the good fight (against the Sugar Junkie), do my damnedest to remain grateful, and try not to harm any innocent bystanders on those days where I want candy more than abs. This is my solemn vow.