I say I would love to be paid to write. I say writing is my favourite thing and yet I struggle to write when I’m not angry or fighting something or someone. I receive positive feedback and encouragement from friends and family in regards to my efforts and yet I can’t get out of my own way. I want to try and write a book and even though I’ve started on at least 10 different occasions, I have yet to make this a successful venture.
I am restless, anxious, and unsettled. I don’t know if that’s just my lot in life or if this is what’s missing? Am I just a late bloomer? Will suddenly a book come to me and I’ll find myself published at 45 and finally a legitimate, as in paid, writer? Or should I be content with it as a hobby?
I would be okay with that if I felt satisfied in my professional life and unfortunately I do not. It has nothing to do with who I work with or for or anything. It’s just not where I think I’m meant to be. I am a good 15 to 20 years away from retirement, if I have my way, and while I could comfortably finish that out in my current position I don’t know if that’s what will leave me feeling the most fulfilled. I still want to feel like I’m making a difference! I want to feel like the work I’m doing matters and that somehow is having an impact on this world of ours that seems to be moving backwards in a lot of upsetting ways rather than forward.
I have ten days left of my thirties and have not yet found this magical confident solid sense of who I am yet. I know the following: I’m smart, funny, stubborn, impatient in a very real and often detrimental way, I despise bullshit and am therefore honest to a fault, I’m sensitive, I love my children more than myself, and the same could be said for music. I love my husband and respect him more than he knows for keeping up with the angry chaos that often makes up who I am. I have recently also finally accepted wholly that I’m an introvert who can be extroverted when in the mood but if I the choice, would likely not leave my house for days on end if I didn’t have to. I’m a protector, a defender, and a leader. I struggle with tact, small talk, and slow drivers/walkers/talkers/thinkers/beings. Some of you are thinking, well actually it does sound like you know who you are – and I do know those things but I also know in lots of ways I feel no different then I did when I was 29 about to turn 30.
I know I may be (as in I definitely am) putting too much pressure on a number that is nothing more than a chronological measure of how long my angry ass has been on this planet. I overthink things. I feel like I should be more, do more, and say less!
I am happily married and myself, husband, and each of our four children is in good health. We have a home, clothing, food to eat, vehicles, and good friends. We are truly living a good life. My husband is and has been laid off for awhile now but luckily we live in Canada and so this does not mean financial despair and ruin for us. It’s because of all of this that I do feel somewhat selfish or immature for wanting more but I also don’t know if that’s the societal messages bred into my being about what being happy as a woman means and spoiler alert: it does not necessarily include self fulfillment.
Here’s what I think and I may actually have a point here – it is okay to be happy and be grateful for what you have but it is also okay, and maybe even necessary for your well being, to not settle if you’re not ready. No one should ever truly settle. I have never been keen on doing what I’m “supposed to” anyway. I have always pushed a little harder and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t but if you don’t try then how will you know? We only get this one life and it’s up to us what we do with it. Some things will happen that we cannot control, both good and bad, but there is a lot that is left up to us to decide. So if you can’t think of one single solitary thing that would make you happier right at this very moment and read this post and not one iota of it really made sense to you because you can’t imagine wanting ‘more’? Own that. If you read this and feel like I was maybe in your head? Own that. Female or male, young or old, poor or rich, we are all deserve ‘more’ whatever that looks like. We deserve whatever we are willing to work for, strive for, and do our damnedest to make happen.
For now, this girl is going to work on figuring out what ‘more’ looks like and writing it down. Writing when I don’t feel like it, writing when I do feel like it, writing and deleting, writing and saving for later, writing and re-writing because after all, I am a writer.