I talk a pretty big talk most of the time. A lot of “don’t fuck with me or my kids” business, so on and so forth. I am not easily intimidated and have been accused of being slightly intimidating myself. Most of the time I’m not trying to be but I am self aware enough to know that I do come on pretty strong and may be just a touch rough around the edges.
I am direct, to say the least. I lack patience. I may have a touch of assholitis that stems from an inane need to be right, all of the time every time. Oh and I’m also slightly passionate. About just about everything.
It’s not always a good combination.
I am currently beyond tired and battling the return of Monday’s monster headache. Not only do I have Mother Nature playing with my hormones (special treat for birthday week, yay!) but I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night and when I woke up this morning my brain picked up right where it left off last night. Wheels will not stop turning.
I believe I also forgot to mention that I have a temper. A fairly poorly controlled one at that. However in true Aries fashion (mock me if you must but I believe in that shit), I get angry hard and fast and then, bam, I’m done. Unfortunately that hard and fast bit often leaves little time for rational thought. I also enjoy being angry more than I should and I’ve said this before too; I get some sort of charge out of it. Last night, my chest tightened and my hands started shaking and instead of being concerned, I was amped. I was ready to fight.
My son was upset and my husband and I were upset because of our perception of how he was being treated. My husband takes a long time to get angry. Truly. He’s so patient and will give people the benefit of the doubt time and time again. Then there comes a moment where something switches and dude is pissed. If we are both angry at the same time, and not at each other, that’s when things get stupid.
I can’t tell if I’m bothered because of the altercation we found ourselves in last night – no one was hurt it was just a rather heated and slightly irrational discussion – or because I don’t feel like I ‘won’ or because I again, for the umpteenth time, let my temper get the better of me.
Ding ding ding, we have a winner!
It’s the last one. Jesus Christ, I am turning 40 tomorrow and still don’t know when and how to keep my fucking mouth shut. It’s so frustrating. It’s across the board too, I don’t just reserve the special behaviour for minor sports but I’ve had to swallow my pride at work more than once to apologize after bad behaviour. I seem to think I have some sort of special permission to express exactly what is on my mind at all times – especially if I think something or someone is wrong. I have almost the same sense of right and wrong in a black and white fashion that I did as a child.
I’m a smart girl but when I feel like I’ve been wronged, or someone I love has been wronged, or something is inherently wrong by design, I switch into “I won’t stand for it” mode. I’m not saying it’s wrong for me to defend myself or my friends and family. I am an advocate by profession and design and so sometimes this passion and willingness to speak up are exactly what the doctor ordered. (I want to make a joke here but will not because I’ve learned my lesson once or twice, believe it or not). Anyway, what I can’t seem to figure out is how to use my powers for good!
I have read a number of self help kind of books over the last year, I tried meditation, I have a goddamn gratitude journal and I EVEN DO YOGA so where the fuck is my zen at?
Hindsight and regret are my two biggest enemies (after my mouth). I couldn’t fall asleep last night because I was replaying the evening’s events over and over in my head and frustrated and amped up and disappointed in myself. I had the opportunity to walk away and instead practiced my best “I’ll destroy you with my eyes” look until the actual conversation took place.
The worst part? It changed nothing. 6 people entered a room, had a stupid waste of time conversation that became fairly heated, and not a goddamn thing changed. I believed at the time I was going in there for my son (who don’t worry, was not privy to this conversation) but truth is, I was not. I wanted to tell a couple of people exactly what I thought of them. That was of zero benefit to my kid and only of detriment to my husband and I, in that we looked and acted like assholes (as did others who took part in the conversation but I am not responsible for their behaviour, only my own).
So here it is, the last day of my thirties and I am none the wiser. Perhaps tomorrow morning I will wake up with some 40 year old zen but I suspect that is not the case.
Maybe first on my ‘Now I’m 40 To Do List’ will be working on letting go of the need to be right (shouldn’t be hard when I’m so rarely wrong…) and instating and following my own 24 hour rule. I’ll let you know how it goes. Good news is we are done at the rink for a solid six months so I’ve got time to work on it!