I am going to start by being incredibly cliché and boring and say that I can’t believe it’s already May 1st. April is gone, just like that! April also kind of sucked. Don’t get me wrong, there were things that went well in April. Family and friends were all tip-top, for the most part, and any issues that did arise have been dealt with and everyone is doing okay. Personally though? It was kind of shit show.

This morning, as I sat at my desk, I had to undo the button on my pants because they are TIIGGGHHHHT. March was all about the Whole 30 and April turned out to be what I have decided to call the ‘Whole 70’. Whole 30 is an elimination diet. No sugar, no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol. I felt pretty good, had zero bloat, and clothes were fitting me well. I was also ‘slightly’ angry, had food envy, and when I crashed on Day 19, I did so in a spectacular fashion. Restriction or elimination diets are not bad, per se, but for someone like me with a bit of an all or nothing mindset? It turns out to be a bit of a bad idea and that’s when the Whole 70 came to fruition.

The Whole 70 is of my own design and is largely based on carbs of every variety. No dairy still because fuck lactose, but I ATE ALL OF THE THINGS and worked in a nice little bender too. I do not feel great. I am bloated AF and all of my pants are the tightest pants in the land and to add insult to injury I’m still just as angry.

I haven’t weighed myself because it’s seriously not worth it. I am not any better or worse of a person just because I am slowly evolving into a bit of a chubby bunny. If I weigh myself I will lose focus of what matters and that’s so much more than a number. All that being said, it’s now May and I find myself at a crossroads. My husband lovingly suggested I just “maintain” and have a treat night once a week. Thanks TIPS. If I could do that I wouldn’t be wishing I chose a different profession that allowed me to wear a pant with an elastic waist!

It’s not his fault; that’s just me lashing out irrationally. Ryan truly loves me no matter what and I know that. He is also likely getting a little worn out after 15 years or so of me obsessing about my weight and/or my hair. Dude doesn’t not worry about either. Same goes for my youngest child who is a rather solidly built guy who loves food and has no shame about his body, nor should he. If nothing else it makes me happy to know that my children (or at least one) have not been negatively affected by my constant quest for ‘skinny’.

So what do I do? My initial thought is to go back to one of my previous eating plans and start all over. My loving husband suggested I not do that because I may be somewhat difficult to live with if I’m following something strict. His actual words were “You’re not happy” but what I read between the lines was: “You are a raging bitch when you can’t have a cracker.”

Also if you remember I shared in a post awhile ago that part of my turning 40 meant I was going to build myself a grown up wardrobe…what I have since learned is I cannot afford to do so because my sons play all of the sports. That being said, if I don’t change something I either need to embrace this body and buy some clothes to fit it, or decide that it’s okay if I don’t eat cold cereal by the handful followed by half a box of Ritz crackers nightly. Decisions, decisions…

I just realized I have now sucked you into the vortex of obsession with my body and addiction to carbs.  You’re welcome.

As a way to return the favor if you happen to see a sale on maxi dresses or a well cut skort give a girl a heads up, would you? I made cookies yesterday and will probably be doing some quality control work with them now that they are a day old so best be realistic about both my summer wear needs on a budget. Thanks.





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