I asked the above question to the physiotherapist I saw this morning for treatment.

I went because of a knee that’s been bothering me for roughly a year and a half. I contemplated canceling the appointment because it hasn’t hurt that bad for the last few days, if at all, and was worried about being embarrassed when he assessed me and found nothing wrong.

Turns out the only thing embarrassing about my visit is my weak ass, literally (oh and how long I waited to get treatment). This ass that I’ve been working on for over two years with every version of a squat and lunge possible, is failing me. It’s literally not pulling it’s weight. So that leaves my hamstrings and quads (thighs, basically) to do all of the work and therein lies the problem.

Did I mention this knee started hurting in 2015? I chose to ignore it. I chose to ice it sometimes, take naproxen like candy, and modify my workouts on occasion. I was irritated that my body was failing me and so ignored it instead of listening because that’s clearly the best approach.

Now I can’t do any workouts (except some yoga) for the next 6 weeks to 2 months because I need to let my knee heal. This is going to include a lot of stretching, continued physical therapy, and some foam rolling. Not familiar with foam rolling? Let me tell you about it: I have a piece of blue foam in the shape of a cylinder that I roll on. Sounds easy and maybe kind of silly, right? Let me assure it is neither. I’ve had four children exit my body through my hoo-ha and yet, I might opt for that again if given the choice between foam rolling and child birth.

However I shall persevere. I don’t know how to prepare my husband for the alluring sounds that will take place from our bedroom morning and night as I heave my weak assed body up and over the roller in an effort to loosen up IT bands (don’t know what those are? Bands of pain that run from your hip to your knee (yes, that is the medical definition). If you don’t know what they are that’s a good thing. No one knows what they are until they hurt.). Grunting through gritted teeth, gasps of pain, and the ‘odd’ curse word will be the sweet sounds my lucky man will awake to every morn. He is truly blessed.

I could take the foam roller downstairs but that will just invite the one of roughly 67 pets I have to investigate and I prefer to struggle alone. The newest addition to our family (my son’s dog) is quite smart and may think I need to be rescued due to my level of distress and so it’s best I keep my rolling private.

What I want to know is how did I not know I wasn’t engaging my ass enough? I’ve had sore glutes after workouts leading me to believe I’d worked them. I’ve done weighted jump squats. I’ve done leg lifts. I’ve done lunges of every variety. I’ve done it all and yet know here I am with a bum knee and ‘bum’ bum. It’s a travesty.

Here’s a word to the wise though kids – if something hurts? Stop doing it.

Seems simple, right? Almost like, dare I say it… Common sense.

I will be the first to lambaste someone for lack of common sense and the phrase “pull your head out of your ass” is part of my daily vernacular but apparently when it comes to me personally, I’m a more of a head in the ass (weak though it may be) kind of gal. I just kept pushing because if “everyone” else could do these exercises than goddamn it, I can to! I will be the first to tell anyone else who asks that they should modify any and all exercises as and if needed but hesitated to do so myself because I’m an competitive idiot. The worst part is I’m not even competing with anyone! I workout at home. Alone. No one knows whether or not I’m modifying or not but yet I’m sure everybody else out there who is or ever has done this workout did it better than me and that’s obviously unacceptable and I’ll show them! Feel free to roll your eyes, I deserve it.

Thankfully I was motivated by the fear of eventually never being able to exercise at all and being old before my time due to a sedentary lifestyle so I went and got assessed. So for the next while if you need me, I’ll be at the old hallway desk doing a number of saucy stretches throughout the day and then walrus-ing it at home twice a day on the old foam roller.  Before you know it my knees will no longer have their own sound effects and I’ll be as limber as a gazelle. I honestly don’t even know if gazelle’s are limber…but I bet they have strong asses.



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